NO Adventure

Posted by: noadventure | May 30, 2009

How to: BREAKDANCE

You never know when your knowledge of breakdancing will become critically useful. Perhaps a real estate developer will try to bulldoze your community recreation center; you may want to rally your breakin’ friends to put on a show to raise money to save it!

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Start with this move – it’s the basis for all floor work.

The Six-Step

For counter-clockwise six-steps, start from a push-up position with your legs spread (this seems kinda silly, but it’s the easiest way to explain it, you can start from any position).

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1. Lift your RIGHT arm, and move your LEFT leg through so it’s in front of your RIGHT leg.

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2. Move your RIGHT leg so that your RIGHT foot is BEHIND the LEFT foot (your legs will be crossed LEFT over RIGHT).

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3. Move your LEFT foot in a small arc so your legs are uncrossed. At the same time switch your hands (pick the LEFT one up, and put the RIGHT one down.

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4. Extend your RIGHT leg and sweep it around (wide) in a counter-clockwise arc so that your LEFT foot ends up covered by your RIGHT knee joint and your RIGHT foot is almost touching your butt (NOTE: Steps 3 and 4 shoud be done in quick succession).

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5. Put your LEFT hand back down on the ground, and move your LEFT leg back to where it was in the push-up position.

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6. Move your RIGHT leg back to where it was in the push-up position, and you find yourself back at the beginning.

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Now, go back to step one, and repeat. That’s it. If you want go clockwise, just reverse all the LEFT/RIGHTs. One more thing, don’t try to do this fast at first. Go VERY slow to get the technique down, and then increase your speed gradually. No matter how fast you go, if your footwork is sloppy, it’s noticeable.

Flounder Hunt

Sometimes you have to re-evaluate the way you do something by breaking it down to its most primal form. Fishing is cool, but you usually need to have a pole, line, a reel, hooks, bait or a lure – it gets to be a bit complicated.

Think about the way the natives used to fish. They didn’t waste their $12.95 on a Zebco. They speared fish right through the face with a sharp stick. You too can awaken the primal fish hunter inside you. It’s called Floundering(or Flounder Gigging). Here’s how flounder look in the water at night.

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Make sure it’s not a stingray like this. They are easy to confuse.

stingray

If it is a 198-pound stingray, make sure you have a team of polynesians to help.

198 lb stingray 1

The “gig” is your spear. There are all types, but I have been told that the single-prong, non-barbed gig is best because it tears up the meat the least. With a single-pronged non-barbed gig, you must put you hand under the stabbed fish and feel for the prong. Now pull him out of the water with your free hand and the gig at the same time(preventing him from swimming away). Here’s me and a few friends starting our night hunt; you will also need a lantern or spotlight.

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We were all ready to stab something. Start your hunt with a “no-stabbing-each-other-in-the-foot” truce. It will pay off in the long run.

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The best time to go is during a new moon at low tide with no wind. The best places to go around New Orleans are any shallow, sandy-bottomed place with good visibility. We thought we had something in a tidepool, but the conditions were poor and our skills were lacking.

floundermaybe

Quicksand can be common on beaches at low tide. If you encounter quicksand, drink domestic beer and try to get more stuck until you fall over.

quicksand

Here’s a look at how the pros do it. Notice this dude’s custom de-pronger made of diamond plate.

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Posted in beach, coastal, fishing, how to, night, sportsman, water, wild animals

Posted by: noadventure | May 11, 2009

Wakeboarding

South Louisiana is practically in the fucking Gulf of Mexico. One good way to spend your time in a place surrounded by water is to get in it. That’s right – get in the water and do some wakeboarding(AKA Florida snowboarding) Here’s how:

Step 1 – Get a boat.

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Boats can be fun on their own. Just cruising around and drinking cans of Coors Light(I would say Abita Amber, but I don’t like anything but pale beers when the sun is shining on me) can be mad fun.

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Go ahead and mention to someone that you’re thinking of taking the boat out this weekend – they will cancel their plans to kick it with you out on the water. And why shouldn’t they? It’s balls hot in New Orleans in the summer time – if you are geting wet, you can actually laugh at the sun and tell it(the sun) to “fuck off.”

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Step 2 – If you don’t have a boat, make friends with someone who has a boat.

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Their are plenty of people who have boats just sitting there. Inspire them with the idea of a fun day of wakeboarding. If this doesn’t work, offer to buy the Coors Light(this will work).

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Fuck it. Bring the dog along. He likes Coors Light too.
DaveDog dog

Now for the actual wakeboarding part. If you are a badass like this guy and can do flips and shit, quit reading. The next part is a how-to that will bore you to tears.

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Step 3 – Wakeboard.

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I’ve never waterskied(only wakeboarded), but I’ve heard wakeboarding is a little harder than skiing. I’ll try to make it as simple as possible. Sit with the board on your feet and your knees bent. The bottom of the wakeboard should be facing the boat with the ski rope perpendicular across the board. The line should be taut before the boat rips into action. I like to bend my knees so that the wakeboard is almost at my ass, but the top edge of the board is still above the water, of course. You arms should be straight and you should lean back. Signal for the boat to take off.

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As soon as the board comes out of the water(starts to plane), let your lead foot go forward and get your stance(regular or goofy-foot). Stand up straight with your knees slightly bent. You are wakeboarding.

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That’s my attempt at explaining it. I know it’s hard for some people and easier for some, but most people can get up at the end of a day of trying. It can be frustrating, but you’ll eventually learns what works for you.

buoy

wakeboard

Now that you know how to shred, support a Louisiana business like RUKUS – who have wakeboard shops all across South Louisiana. They even have a cool video at the end of this post I did on Surfing Louisiana.

Disc Golf(Lafreniere Park)

When I think of playing golf(ball golf), I think of a really expensive hobby. Just to get a shitty set of clubs is like 500 bucks. Then you have to pay for a green fee, rent a cart, and you’re looking at a pile of cash. You’ll probably also have a few beers – which means your game will suffer(not that you were ever any good anyway).

Conversely, disc golf is a game that has zero green fees and you can get started with a gear investment for $10 to $25 – which makes it about the fucking cheapest sport on the planet.

long-drive

I like to play with only 2 discs: a driver and a putter, but some like to bring around a bunch of fairway and specialty discs for this and that. About the only reason I bring 2 is in case I lose one in the lagoon.

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The only place to play disc golf(for now) in New Orleans is at Lafreniere Park in Metairie. It’s a pretty solid course.

It’s been around since 1982, but they renovated it a few years ago and turned this 9-hole mini course into a sprawling 21-holer with water obstacles, long fairways, and a handful of hills. There are a couple of courses in Baton Rouge too; most notably South BR’s Highland Road Park – where I once spotted a deer at the crack of dawn(fine don’t believe me – I have a witness). Highland Road has huge bluffs, thick woods, super long fairways, and a pesky creek running through the park. Go wading and come out with a treasure chest’s worth of discs.

There has also been talk of making another New Orleans course in City Park since forever ago, but I don’t see the wheels turning fast enough to make it happen any time soon. City Park’s City Bark has been put on the fast track and we’ll be able to use that way sooner than another disc golf course.

For the time being, Lafreniere is pretty cool. It’s a laid back way to catch some sun and maybe some excercise.

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PS: not verifiable or anything, but these are probably the tallest hills in Jefferson Parish(err… not counting the levee).

metairie-hill

Have Fun

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Seriously. Make your life count. I command you to kick ass every single day of your life.

It really bothers me when people tell me they have nothing to do. This city is full of life and opportunity. Get off your ass, because this city NEEDS people that get of their asses. It needs DOERS.

I saw this kid on TV last night. She was born without a face.

Click below to see photos of her at birth and at 2 years-old.

KINDA ROUGH TO LOOK AT – WARNING.

Can you imagine being born without a fucking face? This little girl has had 3 MILLION dollars worth of surgery and she’s not even close to resembling a human. Her tongue is permanently inches out of her mouth and they have to TAPE PLASTIC TO HER EYES at night because she doesn’t have functioning eyelids.

Sorry. Not trying to bum anyone out with this post, but I want you to be the best person you can be. Improve your life. Improve someone else’s life. Be a doer.

There’s the world – Attack!

You can start by designing and constructing a bear-proof suit.

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Posted in Uncategorized

Posted by: noadventure | April 20, 2009

Geocaching

Alright. Are you ready to nerd out with me for a spell? There exists a world-wide treasure hunting game. It takes place in more than 180 countries and there is treasure within walking distance of you right now.

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Have you ever heard of geocaching? Here’s what it boils down to: People(all over the world – and right here in New Orleans) hide small containers. Next, they post the GPS coordinates(latitude and longitude) of said containers online on this website: Geocaching.com

YOU type in your zipcode on the site and see what comes up. Chances are there are dozens of tiny treasure boxes waiting within miles of you.

The standard procedure is that you “take something and leave something” but it’s ok if you just take “the experience” and just leave your signature(most geocaches have logs to sign). The geocaches usually have a few trinkets inside and trading little items can make it more fun. I once found a five dollar bill(riches!). After successful geocaching, then next time you go online, log all your finds so the owners of the caches can see whose finding what and monitor their treasure stashes from the internets.

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The cool thing about this game is that it takes you to places you’ve never been before – even in your own city. You can get as far into this pastime as you want; look for other people’s caches or even hide your own and post it online. It’s even free, well, except for the handheld GPS device that you’ll need. Unless you have an iPhone 3G – then all you need to do is buy the $10 app and you’ll be hunting in no time.

iphonetiles

The cool thing about the iPhone app is that you can spontaneously geocache from anywhere – you don’t have to look up caches on your home computer and then punch them into your handheld GPS. The iPhone is the GPS and the computer. Now you can find some treasure behind a Kmart while you’re polishing off that bottle of Jack you found under the dumpster.

I just checked. There are almost 400 geocaches within 15 miles of the uptown 70118 zip code. Holy shit!

Also: if you are looking for a challenge, I have hidden my own geocache in Mid-City. Hint: it is only accessible by boat and it isn’t far from this place(which is very rarely snowy).

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Posted in geocaching, parks, Uncategorized, urban

Posted by: noadventure | April 13, 2009

Fishing(Catch Your Own Food)

Anyone who complains that there is nothing to do outside in New Orleans should take up fishing.

1)There are bodies of water everywhere.

2)It’s cheap.

3)It’s one of the few sports in which you can drink while you participate.

fishingdock

Normally when we fish, it’s strictly catch and release. We catch small catfish and croaker mostly(with an odd white trout in the mix). On this particular evening, I caught two back to back sheepshead. One was a tiny fighter that I threw back, but the next one was a prehistoric monster. Check out the look on my face(I’m confused at what to do with this bastard).

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Ok, so he’s not that huge, but he was big enough to eat and he had swallowed the hook so he left me no choice(It’d be cruel to release him with a hook in his stomach). Since we were used to strict catch-and-release, I didn’t have a real fillet knife. We had to improvise.

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With only a steak knife, Dave cut that fucker open like a surgeon making overtime. This is kind of difficult because although sheepshead have tasty white meat, their flesh is protected by dinosaur-like scales.

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Look at this ugly bastard.

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His teeth look like butter nuggets. No wonder he swallowed the hook.

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Sheepshead are a great table fish. They also fight like the dickens.

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Oh, yeah… and did I mention that you can catch ’em till hell freezes over ‘cuz there’s no limit on ’em?

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Posted in beer, fishing, food, socializing, sportsman, water, wild animals, wildlife

Posted by: noadventure | April 6, 2009

Strawberry Festival(Dumb Fat People)

Over this pretty weekend we decided to make a little visit to the quaint town of Ponchatoula. The Louisiana Strawberry Festival(more commonly called the Tangipahoa Mouthbreather Convention) was an eye-opening lesson on what is wrong with America.

Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of GREAT ATTRACTIONS such as:

The $1 freak show of 2 headed animals.

freakanimals

The FREE BIBLE booth.

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The TRASH WATERFALL(this isn’t even a garbage can – it’s a sink).

trashwaterfall

And don’t forget the dude with NUTSACKS on his EARS.

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This dude had nutsacks on BOTH of his ears. I didn’t get to snap a photo of the other ear, but that one was even bigger. Of course, you can’t spend the whole day just gazing at nutsacks like these prisoners(off the leash) did right in the middle of the festival.

prisonerstight prisoners-wide

Sometimes you should try the local cuisine like these folks did. Treat yourself – you deserve it.

fatmotorcycle fatblack blueass fatpinkass fatturqoise fatwhiteshorts fatyella purpleass

There were also plenty of BIKERS and REDNECK folk that are less common in New Orleans, but flourish in this climate.

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Which brings us to 4WHEELERS! Everyone was driving around on 4Wheelers.

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And don’t forget the THUGS. A festival celebrating strawberries would not be complete without them. This SCARFACE ensemble is this guy’s best outfit(the latest in festival-wear).

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