NO Adventure

FOR THE STREETCARNAGE VERSION OF THIS POST CLICK HERE.

It’s ironic that we go through our first 25 or 30 years of life trying by all costs NOT to get pregnant, then do a complete 180 degree turn. Procreating is not as easy as you might think. A normal couple has a 20% chance of conception at any given time.

In a way, for years I was a bit envious of my friends who had accidentally got pregnant at 21 years old. Think about it – having a baby at that age forces you to get your shit together immediately. How cool is it to drink a beer in a bar with your adult kid in your early forties? The downside is that you miss out on the fun of your twenties and it’s possible to be more of a peer to your child than a parent.

I’ve been a dad for 4 days now. I know this is only the beginning. When Sharky(yes, his real name) was born, I was surprised at how easy the labor was. I know that humans have been birthing kids for millennia, but sometimes all the doctor and hospital preparation makes the whole process seem fraught with peril.

Me and Sharky 33 years apart. We both have the reddest nutsacks allowed by law.

The staying up all night isn’t as bad as people make it sound. Both Rebecca and I frequently got up in the middle of the night anyway for work before we had a kid. Eventually, both you and the kid are exhausted at the same time and everybody gets some rest. There’s also the great parenting games like, “Guess if this is milk or pee?”

The most important thing is obviously the diet. Breastmilk is free and great for the kid, so that’s what we chose. I never knew that plain water was forbidden for 6 months of the newborn’s life. I was told that WATER(the thing every plant and animal on Earth needs from blue whales to single-celled organisms) is not needed for human infants.

WHAT?!

That’s why we have been letting Sharky snack on crushed peanuts and Sprite Remix. It’s high protein and just enough hydration/sweetness to get him through a long day of being a baby. This will help him bulk up in between uncorking a fresh boob.

He was already born with washboard abs, but my goal is to have Sharky straight yoked by 1 years-old.