Posted by: noadventure | January 20, 2009

Change Your F’d-up Life

cavemancavewoman

I’m psychic. I can tell your life is not perfect. Am I right?

It’s okay that your life isn’t 100% great. I can teach you how to make it better. I know the secret.

First of all, go clean your room. Yeah, I know I sound like your mom, but go clean it. If it’s clean, clean your kitchen; clean your whole house while you’re at it. Clean you car. Throw away all those slips of paper you’re never going to look at again.

Finished? No? Come back to me when you’re done.

Now? Ok. Now you’re ready to start Phase 2.

Are you getting enough excercise? Are you excercising at all? I know you’re planning to “juuuuuust get finished with this one project” and then you’re gonna start. You need to start now.

What kind of excercise am I talking about? You don’t need to join a gym. You don’t need any equipment. Just follow these instructions.

Step 1: Put the food/remote/laptop/pornography down.
Step 2: Open up the front door.
Step 3: Start running.

That’s it. Here are your excuses…

But I’m already so out of shape/too old…

britney-spears-fat

Rebuttal: You have to start somewhere. My suggestion would be to first make it around 2 blocks. You don’t have to sprint; just make it around 2 blocks with the slightest jog you can muster. NO WALKING. I don’t care if you are jogging 20 minute miles – DO NOT WALK. Keep the form of jogging/running and you will get speed with time. Start with 3 days a week, but do them in a row, not spaced(do Mon, Tue, Wed, not Mon, Wed, Fri).

—————————————————————

But I hate running…

fat-girl-thong

Running hurts every time, even for people that do it a lot. I know it’s hard, but that’s what makes it effective. Nothing is free. Start slowly and work your way up(more speed, greater distances). Running is your key to lifelong fitness – ask any old person you see who looks like they’re in great shape(they’ve been doing cardio for years).

—————————————————————

But I already ride my bike alot…

hipsters

Riding your bike is excellent, but if you don’t have a cardio routine that you do for fitness at least 3 to 4 times a week, I cannot guarantee you mental health and happiness.

—————————————————————

I’m too lazy/I don’t have the energy…

scooter

Never in the history of the planet has someone felt worse after a decent long run than they did before they started. You take your medicine(even if it’s gross), and then you feel better, right? The same is true for running. If you’re feeling lazy, RUN. Afterwards, you will be motivated and have MORE energy.

—————————————————————

But I’m in a wheelchair…

nursinghome_photo

Get out of that fucking wheelchair right now and quit crying. Nobody sits on my time. Nobody.

—————————————————————

Running is your key to productivity and happiness, but there are a few rules.

Rule 1: No walking. I know it’s hard, but trust me on this. If you make up your mind that you will run/jog until you get to whatever destination, than that’s it – no walking in the mix. The second you start walking, you are giving your body the OK to walk more. Walking is not part of the deal. If you feel like you want to walk, slow your jogging down to almost nothing, but persevere. You can do it.

Rule 2: Fuck your iPod. Do me a favor and bring your iPod to the nearest body of water. Drop it in and run away. After you have been running for at least a month, it’s ok to start listening to music, but start naturally. Running is the original high intensity workout. Cavemen ran. Every animal runs. Your ability to run is directly linked to your ability to survive. People were not meant to sit in front of a screen/machine/desk all day and then go home, eat shitty food, and watch American Idol. Running is natural – so do it outside, in nature(or your neighborhood), without music to distract you.

Rule 3: No treadmills. Who wants to run inside anyway? If you run on a machine, you have the ever-present option to quit. The “STOP” button is constantly tempting you, while the computer data of your gradual progress blinks in front of your face. Concentrate on the run and forget about the numbers. Why do you want to run on a treadmill? So you can watch TV while you do it? Run outside on the street, in a park, or on a trail. Cavemen didn’t have treadmills. They didn’t have buildings either; they had caves. What happens if you’re in a plane crash and you’re on a deserted island? They’re won’t be any treadmills there, but there will a beach. That’s where you’ll run. Experience outside.

Look at the cool places you could be running right now here in the city.

4

Let’s weigh the PROS and CONS, shall we?

PROS
achieving physical fitness
getting healthier
becoming more attractive
losing weight
building self-esteem
having more energy and stamina
sleeping better at night
cheap workout
possible social tool
setting and reaching goals

CONS
you have to do something

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Responses

  1. FATGARL HOT

  2. I am forwarding this to everyone i know – too bad it is required reading for Walmart shoppers -great advice.

  3. waow..
    its big..

  4. You’re right – my wife has been telling me this for a couple years now… I used to run cross country in high school (a few decades ago), I need to get my lardy ass off the couch and JOG. I’ll start tonight, thanks for the motivation – I guess I just needed to hear it from someone other than the wife… 😉

  5. Running isnt just good for the heart and every other body part building muscle and stamina, but it burns fat. The only other physical activity that is better for you is swimming, its lower impact and better on the joints.

  6. This is great, and I’m with you all the way. Who needs a gym when you can hit the streets? I’ve recently made running a routine, and find my overall energy goes up after a run and down after a few days of inactivity.

    My one critique is that it’s actually really good for your body, especially when first starting out, to break your gait and walk from time to time. I don’t think it has to be an all or nothing thing. You’ll slow your heart rate while walking, which means you’ll get more cardio when bringing it back up, and you’ll prevent stress injuries by changing your gait.

    Of course, this is assuming you’re not just some class A load. Then all bets are off and you should probably just keep running.

  7. […] like he took some advice from NOadventure. […]

  8. dude, I’ve been reading your blog tonight and I dug it til I got to this post. I am in a wheelchair and if I could stand up and run I fucking would. 😦

  9. …what more is there to say? You hit hit the nail on the head!
    Cheers

  10. I dig this post. I’ve been pretty active all my life, but not a jock by any stretch of the imagination. I started running recently when I realized how out of shape I was getting, even though I hate it with a passion, it’s a good companion to my beloved swimming. I must say I disagree with your comments on the iPod, it was the iPod that kept me going.


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