Posted by: noadventure | June 9, 2009

How to: TAXIDERMY

DISCLAIMER: This account of how to to do taxidermy is largely made up and maybe even downright cruel. It is a fictitious account based on the ramblings of a vagrant Appalachian panhandler and should not be regarded as “instructions” by any means.

MATERIAL YOU WILL NEED:

  1. a weapon
  2. a chemical called Borax(try googling it)
  3. some old socks
  4. a big sharp knife
  5. wire coat hangers
  6. small beads or marbles(for eyes)
  7. pliers that cut
  8. needle and thread

If you’re planning on doing taxidermy, first you have to select an animal. For simplicity’s sake, I’d do a squirrel instead of a bear.

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Grab a club or a bat and go out to a park and whack one (aim for the center of the face).

If this proves to be too difficult (squirrels can move at mercurial speeds), go to Kmart on the way to the park and fork over the $17.99 for a Red Ryder BB gun. Don’t forget the BBs. Try to get as close as possible because unless you are a trained sharpshooter AND are extremely lucky you’re not gonna be able to do the job in one shot. Do yourself and the varmint a favor and make it a 1-shot-deal. More than one hole in it’s pelt is going to lower it’s resale value (theoretically).

Now, get that Borax and knife ready. Once you have that sucker opened up, you’re going to want to sprinkle Borax liberally on the organs and innards of the beast. This’ll help with the smell.

tax6

If you want to feel better about yourself for killing a squirrel, you may want to eat its meat. In that case, lose the Borax and save the innards for dumplings.

Lie the squirrel down in the supine position and spead his hind legs.

tax2

This might be the grossest part. 1) Locate the asshole. 2) Stick the big sharp knife in it. Take a deep breath – yes, this is real. This is the “gutting” part of the process. Slide the knife up the underbelly up to his neck (he can’t feel it – he’s dead). A squirrel split from his ass to his neck is going to look pretty sick. If you did this right, you’ve just opened up his whole digestive tract. Go haywire with the Borax.

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Next scrape out everything inside of that animal, separating the tissue from the skin with the knife. You’ll have to cut the leg internally as close as you can get to each claw (paw?). Leave the little finger bones and “hand” inside the skin, but use the pliers to cut the internal limb so you can remove it with the rest of the organs and tissue. You should be cropdusting that Borax right now.

Now you have the whole skinless body free from the pouch of skin, except for where it’s connected at the head. Grab the skin with one hand and the slippery organ body in the other hand and pull them apart – making the head skin turn inside out.

Discard that organy, gross, skinless body. If you think about keeping it around for more than a second you are really gross. Remember if you used Borax, you can’t eat it now, so get rid of it. If you do anything with it besides putting it in a garbage bag, you are really going to freak people out.

The empty skin pouch should be kinda like a squirrel puppet.

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Open it up and Borax the shit out of it. Congratulations, you got rid of the gross part, here comes the creative part. Start with the eyes. Personally, to me there’s nothing scarier or more appropriate than a squirrel with eerie red eyes. It’s up to you.

Grab the wire coat hanger, the pliers, and the old socks. Slide the old socks into the belly slit to fill up the squirrel’s empty skin. Use the pliers to manipulate the wire from the coat hangers to give your squirrel much needed “‘tude.” The wire can make the limbs of your squirrel gesture any number of spunky ways. One suggestion is the “walk like an egyptian” pose (always a crowd-pleaser).

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You’re almost finished. Sew him up and you’re done. An exciting work-from-home career awaits you.

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